First Person

Scared Silly

Article tools

Printer friendly	E-mail article	Subscribe	Order reprints
	Discuss any Chronicle article in our forums
Latest Headlines Ms. Mentor He's Hogging the Course I Want Should you wail to your colleagues, wait your turn, or find your own little piece of turf? Moving Up Managing From the Middle Five rules to help you as a midlevel administrator lead people over whom you have no real authority. Career News Colleges and the Financial Crisis Most institutions, both private and public, seem to be faring relatively well, even as they and the students they serve are tightening their belts. On Course EZ Bibliographies Do Web sites that format citations for students negate the need to teach them how to create a proper source list? Resource Salaries: Faculty | Administrative Presidential pay: Private | Public Financial resources: Salary and cost-of-living calculators Career resources: Academic | Nonacademic Library: Previous articles by topic | by date | by column Career Talk, Ms. Mentor, and more... Landing your first job On the tenure track Mid-career and on Administrative careers Nonacademic careers for Ph.D.'s Talk about your career Blogs

By Tom Mason

Has it really been four years? I clearly remember the day I first walked into my new office as a graduate student in the physical sciences at a large research university in the Midwest. I wanted to do well in my classes and, more importantly, do great things with my research. That would, of course, lead to a top-notch postdoctoral position somewhere in the United States, and from there, I would work my way up the ranks at a prestigious research university.

Four years later, I'm asking myself why I set those particular goals. The answer? Lack of knowledge.

From the beginning of my graduate career, and even before that as an undergraduate, I had been trained by my advisers to view a professorship at a research institution as the only acceptable job in my chosen field in the physical sciences. Was that shortsighted on their part and mine? Definitely, but at the time, I believed them.

In my third year of graduate school my views began to change. By then, I had finished my class work, enjoyed my time as a teaching assistant, passed the written examination given by my department, and completed my preliminary oral exam. Everything was going well and I absolutely loved the teaching experience, even though it was only a TA position.

The one not-so-bright spot? I was slowly losing interest in my research. It was interesting enough, but I just couldn't stay focused. I didn't know what to do so I pressed on, continuing the work that would turn into my dissertation.

But my girlfriend (now wife) noticed changes in my overall attitude. I was becoming more irritable and less patient. She would ask if anything was wrong and I would simply shrug her off. Everything was fine.

Yet she knew it wasn't, and deep inside, I knew it, too. I wasn't enjoying myself as a researcher. The work was interesting. It just wasn't fun.

That's when I got scared. If research was not for me, what was I going to do with my life? I knew very little about other career opportunities in my field, so I became good friends with "Google." I read up on careers in industry and at other educational institutions such as small liberal-arts colleges and community colleges.

I had really enjoyed the teaching aspect of my graduate-student duties and could easily see myself working (and having fun) at a teaching-oriented institution. However, despite my increased knowledge of potential careers, I was still scared. Others in my department, both professors and graduate students, have made comments suggesting that those Ph.D. students who don't go on to a postdoc are, in a sense, failures.

I didn't want to appear a failure to my colleagues, so I kept my teaching thoughts to myself. Maybe this was just a phase, I thought. Maybe in a year I'll really enjoy my research and want a postdoc.

Well, halfway through my third year, I was still in the "research is no fun" phase and realized that I would never come out of it. I literally looked in a mirror one day and asked myself, "What do you want to do with your life?" I responded to myself that I wanted to teach and look for jobs at teaching-oriented institutions and I didn't care what others thought of my plans.

I recently hinted at my plans to my adviser and another professor with whom I work closely and both came across as supportive, although I'm still not sure they really understand my intentions. My adviser says that what I choose to do after graduate school is my own business and has nothing to do with him, but that hasn't stopped him from presenting the postdoc as a good option. We'll see how it all pans out over the next year.

But at this point, I finally have a plan and I'm sticking with it. To make myself more marketable for jobs at liberal-arts colleges and community colleges, I've been trying to beef up my CV with more teaching experience. In the summer of 2004 after my third year in graduate school, I volunteered to teach my department's introductory summer course. Last year, I worked with an instructor at a local community college, guest lecturing in a few of his classes over the course of the term to get an idea of life at a community college. And finally this past summer I landed an adjunct position teaching a summer course at another local community college. Those opportunities have opened my eyes to life at a community college and I now know that that is what I want to do in my career.

Oddly enough, as a result of my newfound focus, my research has improved. I've already published a couple of papers that will form chapters in my dissertation and am well on my way to having no problems passing the final oral examination and moving on with the next stage of my life. Committing myself to a career in teaching has made the research tolerable, and a bit more enjoyable. At a community college, the focus will be on teaching, which is exactly what I want.

I envision this academic year, my fifth and last, as a roller-coaster ride. I'm excited to finish my Ph.D. and move on. I'm excited to work on job applications and see where I might possibly be living next year. But I'm also scared.

What do I do if the offer never comes? Honestly, I have no idea. I'm scared that all of the jobs will be in undesirable locations. Scared that there will be better candidates than me. Scared that no one will want to hire me. Scared that next summer will roll around and I will be jobless.

Just like a roller coaster, my job-search experience will have its ups and downs. You can't have the fun without the fright.